I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.'
'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate.'
'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.'
I'm Glad I'm A Man:
I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings
I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions
I don't act wasted at parties after drinking a beer
and I know what I want when I call you dear!
I won't grab your hooters, cuz I'm afraid I'll get sued
I won't act polite, just to be used
I won't take my clothes off for a man, I'm no wussie
I might belch in public, but I won't be called runt
I'm a man you see -- Not no sissy!!
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such
and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust
And I honestly think its a privilege for you
when I drink all your booz, and tell you I care
I don't live for tupperware no not at all
I'm not there to pick you up each time you fall
and I won't take your money and go to the mall
I won't tell you a story, I won't waste my time
I won't whine about the headache I don't got
and luck I don't care
how to use the crock-pot!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
I don't believe every add with the word free
I don't long for sleep overs, or that time of the month
I didn't even cry when I saw forest gump!
you must have big ovaries to call me a pig
don't you remember who bought you that wig?
I know your sorry, and think I'm a winner
quit standing there, and fetch me my dinner!
I am a man, a man till I die
don't you forget it, unless you'd like to learn how to fly........!
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